Apparently these days when I use the word “stalking”,
I’m outdated.
They say the more current term is
“Following”.
Scandalous as this may sound, they assure me,
This,
Isn’t hiding behind the bushes, following you home following,
This is sitting comfortably at home, Diet Coke in hand, staring at a screen,
Mom can you turn the air conditioning on please following.
Technology appears to be encouraging deranged human behaviour,
And we
Are feeding off it,
This,
Is stalking for the elite!
And let me just say it, with the virtual jungle as dense as it is,
Who needs physical proximity anymore?
Stalking is no longer when two people go for a long romantic walk together
But only one of them know about it.
Ladies and gentlemen, as I am sure you begin to realise,
I am what some of you in this room must also be,
The invisible Facebook overseer,
The not so mythical Eye in The Sky,
The gatherer of information for specific and NOT so specific purposes,
And you can call me SuperStalker.
Very nice to meet you, but it will be so much better to go home and stalk you.
But don’t worry!
I’m a good stalker!
I won’t break into your house,
Or steal your underwear,
I may know the length of your boyfriend’s penis,
But I’m not going to tell anybody.
See, I don’t mean how old you are, where you study, what you do to pass the time,
I’m talking,
Where you are right this minute. What bank you trust with your savings account, if you have a saving’s account,
I’m talking whether you think your last relationship was a mistake,
Whether your mother went to the same nursery school as you did,
Who’s just that girl who has a crush on you, and who’s just that girl you have a crush on,
Did you ever slit your wrist?
Can you hang on to old friends?
Do you usually get period cramps?
Have you ever fantasized about your best friend’s partner,
And is your best friend really your best, or just someone you like to keep around?
Maybe there’s a bigger story.
Maybe your best friend is your best friend because you fantasize about their partner!
See first, I thought I’d just come here and give you some stalking
(I mean following) lessons,
Cardinal rules, so to speak,
Like
When you’re scrolling, keep your cursor far away from the like button, Facebook notifications are not our friends,
Or when you do the stalking, they do the talking, remember you’re not supposed to know how they take their coffee unless you’ve actually met them before,
When somebody tells you something remember to never say “I know”
Even though you probably do –
You get the idea, just one deranged person talking to a lot of other wannabe deranged persons,
But then I realised,
Guess what? You already know this shit!
Because hey,
When I say Some of you in this room must also be stalkers,
What I actually mean is, All of you in this room must be.
The elitist versions of Max Cady,
We are all guilty of obsessively and compulsively following thoughts and keeping track of events
That have very little to do with us,
This is the computer generation,
And with the computer itself on our sides,
We are invincible,
These eyes were made for stalking,
Hours in front of the screen and bottles of Diet Coke in the trash,
I’m still wide awake,
Who cares if the next time someone asks me about myself,
The only thing I remember is that I have one thousand eight hundred and four people on my friend list.
Eventually you realise that
Deranged = abnormal = what is not normal = what everybody is not doing,
And everybody is doing this.
Therefore, by dictionary definition, 2015,
Someone who gives more time to her own life than the lives of others,
= different = abnormal = deranged.
And as the derangement that is normality seeps in with technology as its white coated assistant,
What leaks out is the honesty –
Because when someone asks you where you’ve been,
You can’t really say I’ve been to my friend’s cousin’s Facebook profile.
See, it’s ironical that Michael Jackson said he’s starting with the man in the mirror,
If he were still alive maybe he’d have said
He’s starting with the man in the computer screen,
Because for most of us that is who we really are,
And this is just a shadow,
Mr. Jackson also said
Be careful what you do
Because the lie becomes the truth
It’s a pity he didn’t tell us what to do
When you look in the mirror, and the person is not you
And we can’t find ourselves except on the digital screen
And the easiest thing to do is to just blame the machine
Because the most consistent part of human nature is to never ever say
That this was OUR own fault – and we have lost so much more than just our way.
I’m outdated.
They say the more current term is
“Following”.
Scandalous as this may sound, they assure me,
This,
Isn’t hiding behind the bushes, following you home following,
This is sitting comfortably at home, Diet Coke in hand, staring at a screen,
Mom can you turn the air conditioning on please following.
Technology appears to be encouraging deranged human behaviour,
And we
Are feeding off it,
This,
Is stalking for the elite!
And let me just say it, with the virtual jungle as dense as it is,
Who needs physical proximity anymore?
Stalking is no longer when two people go for a long romantic walk together
But only one of them know about it.
Ladies and gentlemen, as I am sure you begin to realise,
I am what some of you in this room must also be,
The invisible Facebook overseer,
The not so mythical Eye in The Sky,
The gatherer of information for specific and NOT so specific purposes,
And you can call me SuperStalker.
Very nice to meet you, but it will be so much better to go home and stalk you.
But don’t worry!
I’m a good stalker!
I won’t break into your house,
Or steal your underwear,
I may know the length of your boyfriend’s penis,
But I’m not going to tell anybody.
See, I don’t mean how old you are, where you study, what you do to pass the time,
I’m talking,
Where you are right this minute. What bank you trust with your savings account, if you have a saving’s account,
I’m talking whether you think your last relationship was a mistake,
Whether your mother went to the same nursery school as you did,
Who’s just that girl who has a crush on you, and who’s just that girl you have a crush on,
Did you ever slit your wrist?
Can you hang on to old friends?
Do you usually get period cramps?
Have you ever fantasized about your best friend’s partner,
And is your best friend really your best, or just someone you like to keep around?
Maybe there’s a bigger story.
Maybe your best friend is your best friend because you fantasize about their partner!
See first, I thought I’d just come here and give you some stalking
(I mean following) lessons,
Cardinal rules, so to speak,
Like
When you’re scrolling, keep your cursor far away from the like button, Facebook notifications are not our friends,
Or when you do the stalking, they do the talking, remember you’re not supposed to know how they take their coffee unless you’ve actually met them before,
When somebody tells you something remember to never say “I know”
Even though you probably do –
You get the idea, just one deranged person talking to a lot of other wannabe deranged persons,
But then I realised,
Guess what? You already know this shit!
Because hey,
When I say Some of you in this room must also be stalkers,
What I actually mean is, All of you in this room must be.
The elitist versions of Max Cady,
We are all guilty of obsessively and compulsively following thoughts and keeping track of events
That have very little to do with us,
This is the computer generation,
And with the computer itself on our sides,
We are invincible,
These eyes were made for stalking,
Hours in front of the screen and bottles of Diet Coke in the trash,
I’m still wide awake,
Who cares if the next time someone asks me about myself,
The only thing I remember is that I have one thousand eight hundred and four people on my friend list.
Eventually you realise that
Deranged = abnormal = what is not normal = what everybody is not doing,
And everybody is doing this.
Therefore, by dictionary definition, 2015,
Someone who gives more time to her own life than the lives of others,
= different = abnormal = deranged.
And as the derangement that is normality seeps in with technology as its white coated assistant,
What leaks out is the honesty –
Because when someone asks you where you’ve been,
You can’t really say I’ve been to my friend’s cousin’s Facebook profile.
See, it’s ironical that Michael Jackson said he’s starting with the man in the mirror,
If he were still alive maybe he’d have said
He’s starting with the man in the computer screen,
Because for most of us that is who we really are,
And this is just a shadow,
Mr. Jackson also said
Be careful what you do
Because the lie becomes the truth
It’s a pity he didn’t tell us what to do
When you look in the mirror, and the person is not you
And we can’t find ourselves except on the digital screen
And the easiest thing to do is to just blame the machine
Because the most consistent part of human nature is to never ever say
That this was OUR own fault – and we have lost so much more than just our way.